WHO REALLY CARES

Who really cares about ones sexuality.
Who cares about what happens in the bedroom.
I come from a culture where men and women show affection without anyone scared. I grew up where men and women were separated from men. As children we played 'boys" game while girls stayed in. In High Schol for six years i showered with many guys at the same time. we slept together on the same bed or cramped together. We hold hands and hug each other. In social nights at school we danced with each other and all. Even as adult we still act the same.
I had a culture shock coming here. Where everything is the opposite, the interaction between male and female starts as early as day one. It is weird to shower together, to sleep together or show affection to one another. In Africa men do not cook, but here a man cook. In Africa men tie a piece of cloth around their waist like a skirt but here it would say gay. In Africa men dance shaking their booty up and down, like the New Orleans bounce here. In USA it would be considered gay for a guy to dance the same.
 I write because i get confused when people say "that so gay" or "don't be gay". I wonder if there is a checklist to be gay. All i know gay could mean very happy or gay sexual is attraction to the same sex. I am a man since u have a penis instead of a vagina. i am no wy a woman, i do not have any female genitals. I hate to be classified. I hate being asked if i am top or bottom who cares. I like sexual intercourse with a male it does not matter who is doing the poking as long as both parties are haivng a great time.
I am sleepy right now and tired of rambling. I would be back take care



BUT REMEMBER WHO REALLY CARES

Loneliness

Most times i wonder if I should die who would know. I am at that place where no one really cares about me. My roommate cares less if i am alive or dead, My family rarely checks on me. I have no real friends who care about my well being. I wonder where i am mist times. I have those who only worry when they need a favor from me. if i should die in my room how many days would it be before i am discovered. I always initiate all forms of communication. I am a person with emotions i keep saying. I might say little words when you meet me, but gradually i open up and let you in. I am in a state of severe loneliness, I want to reach out and touch and be touched.
 I wonder who really cares about me. My Aunty said that it is a gay person's life to be depressed and lonely. I do not want to let them know it is what i am going through so they would say i told you so. I rarely leave my house i so hate weekends because i do not have to go to work. I wish i worked 7 days a week, I do nothing on weekends just stay in doors and sulk for the whole two days, I do not get invited to anywhere or get visited. I get nothing. I am just a lonely African gay guy. I have been indoors all day and not seen another human being not even pet life. I am tired but what do i do. I hate the city and state i live in i so want to get out of this nightmare, but i love my job and the company.
I wonder is it because i am gay or is it just normal for people. I wonder is i was an opposite gender loving person would i be in a different state of mind. I wonder if i would have been married now and have kids like most of my "age mates". I want oi have all these but with the right guy. I want o have children a partner i can look into his eyes every day and say i love you. I want people to say hell i just called to make sure you are ok. I am young in age but i have gone through midlife and old age crises and i am not yet 30 years old or even 28 years old.

Loneliness is a very sensitive place to be in. I would not search for happiness in the wrong places and would not try to validate anything. I am still in that place and pray i get out one day.