Most times i wonder if I should die who would know. I am at that place where no one really cares about me. My roommate cares less if i am alive or dead, My family rarely checks on me. I have no real friends who care about my well being. I wonder where i am mist times. I have those who only worry when they need a favor from me. if i should die in my room how many days would it be before i am discovered. I always initiate all forms of communication. I am a person with emotions i keep saying. I might say little words when you meet me, but gradually i open up and let you in. I am in a state of severe loneliness, I want to reach out and touch and be touched.
I wonder who really cares about me. My Aunty said that it is a gay person's life to be depressed and lonely. I do not want to let them know it is what i am going through so they would say i told you so. I rarely leave my house i so hate weekends because i do not have to go to work. I wish i worked 7 days a week, I do nothing on weekends just stay in doors and sulk for the whole two days, I do not get invited to anywhere or get visited. I get nothing. I am just a lonely African gay guy. I have been indoors all day and not seen another human being not even pet life. I am tired but what do i do. I hate the city and state i live in i so want to get out of this nightmare, but i love my job and the company.
I wonder is it because i am gay or is it just normal for people. I wonder is i was an opposite gender loving person would i be in a different state of mind. I wonder if i would have been married now and have kids like most of my "age mates". I want oi have all these but with the right guy. I want o have children a partner i can look into his eyes every day and say i love you. I want people to say hell i just called to make sure you are ok. I am young in age but i have gone through midlife and old age crises and i am not yet 30 years old or even 28 years old.
Loneliness is a very sensitive place to be in. I would not search for happiness in the wrong places and would not try to validate anything. I am still in that place and pray i get out one day.
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3 comments:
As a gay African man, this blog definitely touched me. However, I am here to tell you that this is not the only existence out there. The things you said you want (friends, a partner, children) are definitely achievable. The first step is to love yourself. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU DESERVE THESE THINGS! Next you need to let people see who you are without the defenses; this may mean taking the risk of being disappointed but such is life. Finally, you have to hold onto it no matter how hard haters (who unfortunately may even be family members) may try to take it away.
Thanks for your comment. The blog is more of my experience and observations. I am glad you like it.
I can identify with some of what you're saying as I've been feeling isolated as of late. However, I in no way attribute it to my being "same gender loving" (Africentric term which umbrellas homosexual, bisexual and transgender African folk). You can read a thorough breakdown here: http://bmxny.org/bmxabout.htm
As the saying goes (and it's so relevant), "the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence". People have their ups and downs regardless of whatever social status they may have.
Granted being same gender loving is not always the easiest thing in the world, however we can persevere.
Brutha... Afrogay, you're blog is quite moving and I appreciate the honesty in your words and feelings.
I'm on Blogger, too, so if you ever wanna talk, I'm not far away.
Be qool Afrogay.
ROD
Nubian knights Network
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